Have you ever had a busy day and you need to find something quick for lunch? You’re driving down the highway and you pull off to the first drive-thru you see, ending up at a Burger King, maybe the most ironic and undeserved name for a restaurant in history. You take a bite of that greaseball burger and think “this is terrrible” and a collection of other appalling things rush through your head for comparison, hangnails, traffic, cereal with no milk, the Philadelphia Flyers, and all of a sudden it strikes you “what if the Flyers roster was the Burger King menu?” and you end up with this.
Claude Giroux as the original chicken sandwhich- Claude Giroux is by far the longest tenured member of the Flyers roster, you may call him the OG… or in this case maybe the OC. A solid, go-to option that you know exactly what to expect that stands the test of time.
Jake Voracek as the crispy chicken sandwhich- Jake Voracek isn’t quite the OG chicken sandwhich on the team, but he’s one of the elder statesman. but he’s been around the block but he’s a tad fresher. Plus I feel like “crispy” is a good adjective to describe Voracek.
Ivan Provorov as the steakhouse king- Not entirely sure what a steakhouse king is, but the menu describes it as “featuring two flame-grilled beef patties topped with two slices of American cheese, crispy onions, mayo and steakhouse sauce on a sesame seed bun.” Provorov is thic with four C’s and is built like a brick shithouse, so maybe the Burger King PG version is the steakhouse, and he is undoubtedly a king.
Carter Hart as the bacon king– Carter Hart is the king of the Flyers crease, and while he may not be as thic as Ivan Provorov, he’s absolutely ripped to shreds. If you haven’t seen Hart’s abs yet, seriously do yourself a favor. While you’re at it look up a bacon king and compare the two. They’re one and the same.
Robert Hagg as the nuggets- This association was made from one single play during the Flyers/Canadiens series in the first round of the 2020 playoffs. When Hagg stepped in front of a Shea Weber slapshot and it ended up hitting him in the back of his head. While it only grazed his ear, blocking a Shea Weber slapshot with your head takes some serious nuggets.
Travis Konency as the rodeo burger– Can’t say I’ve ever heard of a rodeo burger, but when I did it just feels like it fits Travis Konency well. Off the ice, Konency enjoys an outdoor lifestyle of fishing and hunting, and if there’s one person on the Flyers roster who has the highest chance of going to a real life rodeo it’s Travis Konency.
Morgan Frost as the chicken fries– Small, frail, scrawny as hell, and probably the same amount of facial hair as you’ll find in your average chicken fry.
Oskar Lindblom as the impossible whopper– I don’t know if Lindblom is a vegetarian or not so who knows if he’d enjoy the veggie-based burger, but his story of beating cancer and returning to the ice in eight months is defying almost impossible odds, the same impossible odds of the impossible whopper tasting like beef.
Michael Raffl as the bacon double cheeseburger– Not quite in the normal whopper or “king” categories but still a great burger that falls through the cracks but plays a big role in the foundation of the menu nonetheless.
Justin Braun as the onion rings- Onion rings right out of the fryer are crispy, tasty, and one of the best side dishes around. Burger King’s onion rings have been sitting awhile, not properly drained, a bit soggy, and long past the point of edibility. Braun was once upon a time a solid option but now at soon-to-be 34, he’s a bit past his “good if used by” date.
Scott Laughton as the jalapeno chedder bites– The heat from the jalapeno forces you to make a face similar to the face Laughton makes when he’s staring down his victims…. er…. opponents.
Travis Sanheim as the mozarella sticks- Mozzarella sticks are a dime a dozen that can be done great if you take pride in your work, but Burger King’s are sad, bland, and don’t live up to the hype. Sounds familiar.
Shayne Gostisbehere as the vanilla milkshake- Synonyms of bland- dull, unexciting, uninspiring, lackluster, middle-of-the-road, run-of-the-mill, mediocre, stale. Plus is there a whiter name than Shayne?
Erik Gustafsson as the Chocolate milkshake- Just like a vanilla milkshake that people will speak ad nauseam trying to convince me it’s different.
Nolan Patrick as the soft serve cone- You’re at the dessert point of the meal so you get excited! You enjoy some ice cream and it’s great out of the gate but after awhile you get a brain freeze and all of a sudden you don’t want to eat ice cream anymore.
Nicholas Aube-Kubel as the spicy chicken jr- Aube-Kubel made his NHL debut this past season and made his mark with his physical presence and surprising offensive production. A spicy edge that sets him apart from other bottom six forwards and all that while clocking in at under six feet tall. A spicy chicken jr. come to life.
Brian Elliott as the BK cafe- Burger King coffee looks great in the pictures but when you taste it it’s clear it’s burnt and old and should be avoided unless there are absolutely no other options. Matches Elliott well, actually.
Phil Myers as the Hersey’s sundae pie- You can’t go wrong with chocolate pie. Though if you roll up to Burger King seeking a pie you’re probably in the wrong place and you’ll be left asking “why aren’t you better than you are?”
Kevin Hayes as the whopper- When Kevin Hayes debuted with the Flyers he immediately felt like he belonged. An instant classic that fit right in and was the lifeblood of the team. Similar to the whopper’s game-changing deubt and the backbone of a franchise, they’re one and the same.
Joel Farabee as the whopper jr.- “game changer” may be a bit too strong of a word to describe Joel Farabee at this point in his career, but he very well may be. Hayes measures up at 6’5 meanwhile Farabee is just 6’0, and at just 20 years old, he still packs a punch, just, you know, smaller.
Sean Couturier as the double whopper- Going to tie Couturier’s entry into his playing style versus his physical stature. He has developed into a very solid two-way player over the last few seasons. He’s got two 30-goal seasons in the past three years and won a Selke Trophy for his efforts in 2020. A defensive stalwart with some offensive prowess, he’s like a triple threat.
Samuel Morin as the triple whopper- Samuel Morin is tall, and a triple whopper is tall. Easy enough. Can’t have too much of a good thing.
James Van Riemsdyk as the big fish- James Van Riemsdyk was supposed to be the big fish twice in Flyers history. When he was drafted 2nd overall in 2007 he was supposed to be a star in the making and that never really happened. Fast forward to the summer of 2018 and he found himself the lone big fish acquisition under the Ron Hextall regime, and was once again a miserable failure. Some things never change.
By: Dan Esche (@DanTheFlyeraFan)
brotherlypuck.com 