It’s that time of year when all the wannbe NHL draft experts, Youtube highlight reel watchers and Corey Pronman plagiarizers come out of the woodwork to give their opinion on who their favorite team should be drafting. Going off of stats and projections is quite boring and very repetitive, so instead of some scientific approach, here is a full seven-round mock draft for the Flyers based solely off how cool players names are.
Round 1: Pick 5- Cutter Gauthier
Who names their kid Cutter? Not even with a whacky “K” like Kutter. Nope. Just Cutter. Maybe his parents were big fans of The Wire and were inspired by Dennis “Cutty” Wise. Maybe they were big fans of boats, their favorite being a cutter? Regardless of the origin, it’s easily the best name projected to be available at fifth overall.
Anybody remember Super Mario Strikers? It was basically Mario Cart except they were playing soccer, but you still got all the whacky shells, bananas and other assorted plunder. In my mind Gauthier would have a secret ability too, but instead of throwing turtles he shivs people in the liver. It’d be an awesome addition to NHL23.
Round 3: 69- Kasper Kulonummi
Kasper, like the ghost, except his family opted for the “K” Cutter’s family did not. Maybe they can officially trade first letters of their names when they’re in Philly? Kulonummi is a fun name to say that rolls right off the tongue. It sounds like one of those newfangled diet pills.
After the Flyers got rid of “Ghost Bear” last summer, they own us a new “Ghost” in town.
Round 4: 101- Aleksanteri Kaskimaki
Sticking in Finland for the fourth round pick. The biggest question- how open is he to go by just “Alek?” I think Sublime may sue for copyright if we try and pronounce his first name.
Not only does his first name sound like a Harry Potter spell, Kaskimaki is also a wonderful name to completely destroy with our stupid Philadelphia accents. There’s not a single way of pronouncing his last name where I don’t sound like a DelCo bro ordering something off a sushi menu.
Round 5: 133- Jake Livanavage
It’s always a good pick when you have to spend multiple minutes trying to sound out a name like it’s a spelling test in the second grade. If you’ve been around Flyers Twitter long enough, I’m sure you’ve seen the “spell Couturier without looking at your keypad” and getting some kind of garbled version of his name but it’s relatively close. This ons feels similar to that. Keep one finger on the “A” key and guess the rest.
“LIVATABAGE” was my attempt. Close enough.
Round 6: 165- Michael Mastrodomenico
I’m already breaking out my wallet to order a jersey with a 14-letter name on the back. It may not be the most overly complicated name to spell or sound out, but when that nameplate runs all the way across the back and down the sleeve to each elbow, you just can’t pass up on that opportunity. You have to walk around T-posing on people just so they can read the nameplate. It’s gonna be great!
Round 7: 197- Reid Dyck
For what it’s worth, I haven’t taken the time to hunt down a video clip of anybody actually saying any of these names for the proper pronunciation, so this one has left me completely baffled. Is it “Dick” or “Duck?” I’m gonna hope it’s Dick and I’m giddy with excitement to think of the Hart Dyck goaltending tandem a few years down the road. Can’t wait for Jim Jackson to yell “BIG DYCK SAVE” after a highlight reel flash of the leather. Draft this kid and there will be a new boom period in Philadelphia Flyers hockey.
By: Dan Esche (@DanTheFlyeraFan)
photo credit: azrubberhockey.com